fucking fuck fuck. i seriously cant stand my body. i used to love and pride my self about my body, even as recently as a few months ago. and now i've gained i dont even know how many pounds, and my clothes are tight and i've been purging alot more than usual. i put on some jeans and a tee shirt today and went out shopping, and no fucking joke, every goddamn minute as  i was browsing the racks, i kept on thinking about how absolutely disgusted i was of  myself. i just kept picturing my fat legs pushed against my jeans and how im an official fat ass.

and my fuckin boobs. jesus christ. lemme tell you, they are like huge now. Because ya know how breasts are made up mostly of fat? well yeah, since i've gained weight, they're gigantic. i was a small B cup, now i wouldnt be suprised if i was a C cup. i liked my small boobies. and i've noticed stretched marks on my boobs and hips. i dont know i think they were always there, its just that since i've been examining my body alot more than ususal, i've been noticing things more. so hopefully, my stretchmarks didnt just appear.    

anyways today i had half of a canteloupe, some grapes, a popsicle, & i fucked up at dinner big time and had some pasta (no sauce) and some damn sauteed spinach. i did so good, but my no willpower fat excuse for ass ate that.

Random Question of the Moment
What is your ultimate motivation to lose weight?

hmm okay. i still haven't weighed myself. & i dont plan on it either, not atleast until I know that I lost a bit of weight. The shitty thing is that tommorrow, me & my family leave for vacation until August. During summer, we always go out to eat, almost everyday. And alot of times its at really fat ass places like, chinese buffets.  So that sucks. Plus I'm not gonna be able to go to the gym either!!! whatever, i'll figure something out.

Foods Under 100 Calories:

½ cup fresh blueberries	45
1 sesame breadstick	42
3 cups plain popcorn	23
1 whole ripe tomato or ½ cup cherry or grape tomatoes	33
1 small banana	81
5 saltine crackers	60
1 medium apple	80
½ plain bagel (small 2 oz)	83
celery sticks (10 small)	20
50 small pretzel sticks	60
1 large dill pickle	15
1 medium orange	77
1 cup puffed wheat cereal	43
1 hard boiled egg	81

Oh wow! It's been 7 fuckin months since I've written in here. But once again, I feel like I need to, because my body has gotten unexceptable. I havent weighed myself in months, because I'm terrified of what the scale will say. But I think I've gained about 5 pounds. I was about 122 pounds, now I'm probally around 127. (i'm 5 feet 8 inches) I have no idea what's going on. The weight really did creep up on me. Probally because in March and May, I hardly went to the gym at all. And I wasn't being concious of what I was putting in my mouth. & now I'm paying for it. God, i really hate my weight at the moment.  True, people still call me skinny and whatnot and no one has said anything about my weight gain, but i still fuckin hate it! The only reason why my weight gain isnt noticiable is because of my height, which I'm thankful for. Okay, summer 2007 is here. And my mission is to get back to my previous size, plus loose a little bit more weight.

Random Question of the Moment
What is your favorite low calorie food?

//Edit

Intake-7 slices extra lean turkey: 70 cals
3 cups frozen green beans: 90 cals
2 sugar free energy drinks: 20 calories
Total: 180 calories

Exercise- 45 mins elliptical machine: 415 cals burned

depressed

i've realized that when i fast, i obviously lose weight. but the weight loss dosent last.
but when i eat tiny amounts of food through out the day and exercise, thats when i really lose weight and i dont gain it back. so im probally not gonna fast much anymore. so i lost like 1.5 pounds.
im still waiting to get to 118, so i can buy that louis vuitton speedy purse.

i've also been depressed lately. i've been crying alot lately. like little things have been getting to me.
i've never had a damn boyfriend and im 16 years old. thats one thing thats had me depressed. & i get sickened when i see all these couples at school. & i didnt get a motherfucking call back from them damn modeling people. so yeah...my life right now is pretty much shit i guess. & i've been avoiding my friends this weekend, because i just wanna be alone. i hope all of you are doing much better.

**Random Question of the Moment**
At what age did you first start having real food issues?

an all time low

i fucked up my fast.
i only made it to 24 hours.
the thing that broke my fast was an apple
im stupid. i just had to have that fucking apple.

on wednesday i realized that i hit an all time low.
after i purged, i went to the kitchen and got a really sharp knife.
i cryed and carved the word "fat" into my wrist.
because i felt so weak and fat.
i was beyond disgusted at myself.
the next morning, the words on my wrist werent that obvious.

& the weird thing is, i havent cut myself since i was in 8th grade. ( 3 years ago )
i felt like such a cliche. there i was cying myself to sleep with my headphones on listening to
depressing music, my wrist still aching from the blade.